Right now I am sitting in the exact spot I was in 2016 when the doctor called to tell me I had breast cancer. He said the words, Ductal Carcinoma Insitu. I took a deep breath and listened, scribbling notes on a napkin. I felt overwhelmed, a little scared, and instantly aware that my life was about to change.

Prior to this call, my life could be described as being constantly busy, I didn’t know how to survive without having a full plate of activities. Being stretched in a million different directions was a part of my identity. I felt like I wouldn’t know how to live any other way.

This diagnosis, however, provided me with an opportunity to reexamine my life, how I spent my time, and I quickly saw that change could be a good thing. I learned I needed to slow down and rest even though I had absolutely no idea how to do that! I grew in this season as I looked to God for wisdom and direction and ultimately for peace in the midst of a storm.

When I think about that season in my life, I am grateful for all the lessons I learned. I am also grateful that compared to many who have had breast cancer and go through really hard challenges, I had it relatively easy! My cancer was non invasive, stage ZERO. It was removed with a surgery that was so beautifully done, you can barely see a scar. I had radiation but no chemo and no follow up medications. Over all, I look back at all the miraculous things that happened during that season and I truly thank God for it. That season brought a change in me that I needed and it was good.

Well, from the start, my current battle is quite different. It has been WAY more challenging, yet still good. You may wonder, how can I say it is good? Well, that comes from my faith in God. I know He has a greater purpose than I may understand. I trust him completely. I believe that this once again is a season of not just change but one of transformation.

One of the major differences between these two battles with cancer besides the first being stage zero and the second being stage four, is that I had no symptoms when I found out I had breast cancer. I was diagnosed after having a mammogram. This second battle began when I began to have symptoms such as shortness of breath, extreme fatigue, unexplained weight loss, rash, night sweats, etc. Then I went through months of biopsies and hospital visits where no answers were found. After every test result, I heard doctors say the same three words, “YOU HAVE INFLAMMATION”, because that is all they could find.

All of this craziness began to affect my routine. I wasn’t able to keep up with work. I was exhausted because I couldn’t breathe and I was often discouraged feeling that I couldn’t go on much longer in this condition!

When I was finally diagnosed with two different types of Lymphoma and a rare subtype that is the cause of all the inflammation, I jumped for joy. I wasn’t excited to have cancer but I knew that I felt like I was dying so I was grateful that something had been found that could be treated and boy oh boy was I ready for treatment.

This was going to be my first experience with Chemotherapy and my oncologist ordered 6 rounds. I was told of all the possible side effects that could or would happen when I began treatment. One of the major side effects is losing your hair which usually happens between the first and second round. I managed to make it till two days after round 2 before my hair loss became a reality.

I really didn’t know what to think about losing my hair. I had so many questions about facing the fact that very soon I would be bald. I wondered, would I be devastated or would I be delighted over the fact that I would save a lot of money on hair products and salon visits?

I remember processing the fact that my hair may grow back differently and that my hair was going to change. At least that is what I was told happens to many who go through chemotherapy. I felt led to make a recording of me processing the fact that I was about to lose my hair. As I stood in front of the mirror looking at my curly hair knowing it would be gone soon, I decided to show on video one of the patches where some hair had fallen out. I bent down to show the top of my head and to my surprise that area was in the shape of a cross.

This just made me smile as if God was reminding me, its going to be okay. I was confident that He was with me and that He would help me through the changes I was about to experience.

After more and more hair began to fall out, I realized last week that it was time and I was ready. I called my son Kalani over to the house and he brought his electric razor. I was a little nervous at first so Kalani encouraged me to begin the process by shaving it myself. So I took the razor from him and began to shave off my hair. After taking a deep breath and shaving off some hair on the side of my head, I passed the razor back to Kalani and he finished the job.

I know that this happening to others can be very traumatizing and up to this point I had no idea how I would react. I told friends, “I think it’s kind of like having a baby. Its going to be ‘different’ for every person and until I go through it, I won’t really know how it will be for me”. Some have told me they cried for weeks after they lost their hair, others have told me of how empowered they felt to let it go.

I was thankful that Kalani was with me. He definitely helped me through the process and encouraged me every step of the way. I was surprised that I wasn’t super sad to lose my hair in the moment. In fact, I felt peaceful and happy. I’m sure it helped that I was ready to do this and that I had my son with me.

Just moments after he finished we took this picture.

What was interesting is that the very next day I had a hard time texting this photo to anyone. I thought I was embracing this change like a champion but it seems like I had a bit more reflecting to do before I was ready to share.

My eldest brother called me to check in after hearing I had lost my hair, he said, “I’m so sorry you are having to deal with all of this.” I told him, “Hey, I’m a Santiago, so this was bound to happen to me one day”. Did I mention that all the men in my family are bald? My brother laughed and said, “Oh, of course! How silly of me not to know that!”

I knew I wanted to try out wearing a wig, so my friend Pam took me to a shop in Aiea called Shangra-La Hair Center. A sweet lady named Angie helped me and I enjoyed trying on wigs and had a really good time with my friend Pam. I purchased three wigs that day..

My favorite so far is this long one.

I also purchased this short one.

And then of course I HAD to get this one to wear during football games when I’m cheering for my favorite quarterback, Russell Wilson and the Seattle Seahawks!

Well, with all of the smiles you see, you might think that losing my hair was a piece of cake for me. Let me just say, that this has been a more challenging change than I anticipated it would be.

This past weekend I had my first opportunity to wear a wig in public. I wore the short one and as you can see, there are NO photos as I was SUPER uncomfortable. Although, people were kind and complimented me, I just didn’t feel myself and had a hard time believing and receiving the compliments. All the joy I had at the wig shop with my friend went out the window and I just felt super awkward all day. In fact, when the event was over I took off the wig and handed it to my son in law and I actually think he looks much better in it than I did, don’t you?

It has taken me a full week to process what it feels like to lose my hair. I would like to say that it has been no big deal but when I talk about it, I have been brought to tears on more than one occasion, so I know that I am still processing this change. As I said at the start of this post, change isn’t easy for me. It takes time to adjust.

I believe this has been challenging because it is the first outwardly physical sign that I have cancer. I’m not used to passing the mirror and seeing myself this way or dealing with the reactions from others I encounter who are seeing me for the first time without hair. Don’t get me wrong, people have been super gracious and kind but the problem is with me believing and accepting their positive comments.

I know this will be an adjustment but in just one week I feel like I am getting more comfortable. Obviously me being willing to share these photos with you shows that I am taking a big step forward in embracing this change. I’ve celebrated the fact that I know can get ready in the morning in record time! I also love hats so now I have a reason to wear them more often!! I won’t have to deal with hair in my face on a windy day and just think of all the money I’ll be saving on shampoo and conditioner!

Even though I live in Hawaii, I’ve been most comfortable in a winter hat. Here is what I look like today.

Don’t I look like I’m embracing this change like a champion?

My friend Annie gave me a book last week not knowing that I was processing all of this. All I can say is that it was perfect timing. The book is called The Survivor Spirit which was written by Cynthia Y.H. Derosier. This book shares the stories of many brave women from Hawaii who are breast cancer survivors. I was drawn to read the story of a beautiful gal named April who is pictured on the front cover. When April lost her hair she tried to wear a wig but she said she hated it. It was itchy and uncomfortable. Then she goes on to share how one day while driving past the beautiful Ko’oloau mountains she felt like God spoke to her. He told her to look at the beauty around her, not just the mountains but in the people that were giving her so much love and support. As she thought of those people she gained a new perspective on life. She took off her wig, embraced her baldness and was liberated. April stopped worrying, she loved and accepted herself as she was, and started focusing on what matters most - life and love.

April bravely sharing her story encouraged me to share mine today. Like April, I want to embrace change and gain a new perspective. I know that I serve a God who never changes. He is not concerned with my outward appearance but he looks at my heart. I know that He is with me through every challenge I will face on this journey and that every lesson I learn will help me to grow. I am ready to take another step forward, being open to change and willing to be transformed. I also hope that through sharing my journey, good days and bad that I will help others who are going through their own challenges to be uplifted, encouraged and loved.

With much love and a new perspective,

Cindy

Embracing Change

Stamped With Aloha

Embracing Change

Blessed

A Vessel of Hope

Stamped With Aloha